"hello, this is your uterus calling. i want a slurpee."

"When swelling in the womb occurs, one should wash the
woman with warm water and apply warm poultices
where she has pain. One should make her drink a laxative.
After the laxative, put her in a vapour bath
made with cow dung, then insert a pessary made
with cantharid beetle, and after three days
a pessary made of bile. Leave this in for one day,
and then after three days give her a vinegar douche.
Then if her stomach becomes soft and her fever goes away,
and her period comes, have her sleep with her husband.
If not, follow the previous procedure over again,
until her period comes, and have her use
some suppositories. In the days between suppositories
have her drink samphire bark and dark peony berries,
and eat as much mercury plant as possible,
and garlic both raw and cooked.
Have her eat soft foods such as squid
and other soft animals. If she gives birth,
she will be cured."

-Hippocrates, Nature of Women VII 4th century BCE



Reading Hippocrates scares the hell out of me.
vinegar douche?!
i've also just broken out into hives.
i love exam season!